Life these days...

Life these days consists of what feels like a loosing battle of cleaning. Our house is under renovation - again and it is starting to get to me.  Not so much the renovation part, I can actually handle that quite well as I get excited for the end project.  It is the man behind the renovation that is driving me crazy... Joel!  Joel is used to working on a construction site where there is a clean up crew that comes in a takes care of the mess that the guys leave.  He forgets that at home that "clean up crew" is his wife and that his wife has enough cleaning without him making a silly mess.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind sweeping up the wood chips from where he drilled in our framing, or even the scattered tools all over my dining room table mess. This is not the part of cleaning that bothers me.  I am taking about little things like when he opens a package and then just drops the plastic packaging on the ground when I have left a garbage bag right beside him, or that when he has finished a drink and the can ends up on our lawn instead of in the garage in recycling. I must give him credit though, he is working so hard and has dreamed us into a different house.  His renovations start small, but after many hours of thinking, we end up with major changes to our house.  Removing stairs, changing where our back entrance is, adding floor, removing walls, adding doors, building shelves, new lights and that is just this project!  But all things considered I love the man I married and I love that he takes joy in improving our house. He really is amazing.

my old back door

my new door and a hole where the old was

my old dining room wall

my new dining room still under renovation

The next project.....my old house

stay tuned, new pictures coming shortly......

Another short update

• Possibly found a daycare starting in January 2011 thanks to my mother in law - 2 months before my mat leave is over but I have contacted work about coming back early
• Went camping at Rushing River in Ontario with our friends Chris & Sarah and their little guy Ryan - it was beautiful! We had a great time even with the 40+ minute detour, one small trip to the hospital, a flat air mattress, and a little rain.
• Mika is still not sleeping well - getting to bed is good, it is that she wakes at 2-4am for play time.....
• Mika sat in her high chair for the first time yesterday! So cute
• We have started the first of 2 planned major renovations - removing a wall, building another one, closing up our back door, cutting in a new door, re-stuccoing the house, and possibly tiling the entrances.
• The second reno is planned for late Sept/Oct (although Joel seems to think November) which will include drywalling a room that is currently wood panelling and brick, tiling the brick fireplace, drywalling the ceiling, adding new and more lights, replacing carpet with hardwood and possibly expanding a bathroom to prepare it for a later reno
• It was my sister and Jay's 2nd wedding anniversary yesterday - congrats guys and many more!
• This Saturday I am going to the cirque du soleil show Alegria with my mom. (it was my birthday present) We are getting pedicures first though! (happy mother's day momma)

tummy time

camping at Rushing River

high chair

I thought I was over this.....

Today I spent another morning driving around putting Mika to sleep. (I also had to do this last night and about 5 times in the last 2 weeks) This is week #2 of her sleep problem and I'm starting to loose it.  She was doing so well waking only twice a night to feed and straight back to bed.  All of a sudden like a switch she mixed up her days and nights.  She is taking longer naps during the day - the morning she will sleep from about 8:00am - 10:30am and then her afternoon one is 12ish - 2pm.  She is now up every hour, crying, so I put her back to sleep and like clock work no more than an hour can pass and she is awake again - ALL NIGHT!  Also she has decided the day starts at 4am.... I know the Haywards are early risers, but......   any suggestions? 

Camping Pictures

Camping was great although Tulabi Falls is a little far. Mika did amazing, and we had a great time. Here are some pictures from the trip. Enjoy ~

on the hike to the falls, you can see them behind me

daddy and I sitting by the fire

lounging on the chair

opening father's day presents

(Short) Update!

I don't have time for a long post, but to update you this is what we have been up to:

• We have spent every weekend at Lilac helping my parents build their new addition which is almost done (sort of)
• We took Mika swimming for the first time on  Sunday
• We are going on our first family camping trip this weekend to Nopiming where there is no electricity or water - outhouses and a baby, we will see....... at least the puppy is staying behind with my parents!
• Mika is "talking" a lot more, smiling all the time, loves songs and funny faces, snorts when she laughs, loves to stand and pull herself up and is learning her hands
• We have a doc appointment tomorrow
• I went for a 2 hour walk yesterday - up Fermor, down St. Anne's, up Bishop, down Lakwood and home - it felt great!
• We have planned a second camping trip with Chris, Sarah and Ryan in July
• I will spend my first 2 nights away from Joel next weekend as he is camping for Chris's stag - I honestly do not think we have spent a night apart since he moved home. (small exceptions - he was working long hours at hydro and the night of Martin's heart attack)
• I have "joined" a drop in stroller walking group on Tuesdays and Thursday.  My first one will be this week
• Overall life is good, Enjoy ~

Swimming with Daddy

Tummy Time - the only way I will let mommy do it is on my change table

More swimming!

Finally Ready

Okay so after writing, rewriting and finally just deleting my last post, I decided to try again.



As a first time mom I received a lot of advice while pregnant. There were tons of moms in my life who offered their advice or told me about their experiences. Many were very helpful - topics ranged from cravings, to labour, to breastfeeding, but the one that caught me off guard was baby blues. With one exception I received no warning about the baby blues or how I would feel once the baby was here. I read tons of books during pregnancy but just like the c-section topic, I skipped the postpartum depression in almost every book. The one chapter I did read just seemed so extreme that there was no way I could possibly feel like that. But as soon as Mika was born, I was feeling part of what that book talked about.


Baby blues or postpartum depression is not shared as an experience and often judged by others. I felt (similar to breastfeeding) a lot of pressure to “be a good mom” and “know my baby”. But I didn’t know this little person. I knew she grew in me and my body created her (mind blowing to think about really) but that didn’t equal love to me. I often said when pregnant that I wasn’t sure if I fully understood that a little person was going to emerge from me - often I would hear “Oh Ash, just wait until the baby is here, you won’t even remember what your life was like before her.“ But I did. I remembered it well. I wanted it back. Everyone else who met Mika seemed to love her, but why didn’t I feel that way? Joel was completely taken back by his little girl, he couldn’t get enough of her and yet I sat there wondering if I just made a huge mistake. (a little late to wonder, I know) I would hear what a natural mother I was, and I would feel resentment. I felt more like a failure - I was supposed to love this little person with all my heart, and I just didn’t feel like that.


Now in the chapters I did read, a lot of postpartum topics centered around feelings of wanting to hurt your child (this was never the case) or hurt yourself. (again I never felt like that) It was more of a feeling of being lost. I was lost as a person in this adjustment period and I needed to learn how to go from a wife, to a mother while still taking care of myself as a woman. Furthermore, I needed to learn how to cope with changing from a couple to a family.


When the nurse came to visit us to see how we were managing now “as a family”, I put on a good front and made it seem like everything was fine. Similarly to the books, postpartum topics she discussed focused on thoughts of suicide or wanting to hurt the baby. She provided numbers for mobile crisis units and help line numbers. Since done of these applied to me and my feelings, I easily jumped to the conclusion that I didn’t suffer from baby blues. I suffered silently with these feelings and thinking no one understood for almost 2 months.
It was only once I leaned on a few mothers that I trusted to be completely free from judgement that I realized what I was going through was completely normal. Many of them had the same feelings after giving birth. It is hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way, but when you are pregnant every topic centers around you. They care about how you are feeling, they open doors for you, generally speaking, people are very nice to pregnant women. But once that little person emerges, the focus is redirected. Everything becomes about the baby and you, as a person, are forgotten about - or that is how it feels. Even when someone does ask, “And how are you doing?”, it never really seems appropriate to answer that question in full honesty, so “I’m doing really good” became my standard response.

I watched a news story during this time where a mother of a one year old took off with her online boyfriend leaving behind her husband with her daughter.  She did not leave a note about her choice in leaving, simply took off.  Her husband, extremely worried about her whereabouts filed a missing persons report.  After several days of looking for her, the police found her unharmed with this new gentleman in her life.  The news showcased her as a terrible person and mother, saying she should have cared enough to leave a note behind.  She explained that she felt like no one would miss her if she left, and this new boyfriend loved her, and that she knew her daughter would be safe with her dad.  I understood this woman, I related to her.  Although I never felt like leaving, I understood how she could feel that way.  It was simply an extreme case of what I was feeling.


Once I finally understood my feelings, I was able to share them with Joel. That was a huge deal for me, and probably for him as well. I was moody and irrational up to that point. Nothing Joel did was good enough for me - at first it was that he was not helping (I’m not exactly sure how I expected him to help me breastfeed, but I know I wanted his help) then when he did help, it was not in areas I wanted help so I would complain at him (not to him - AT him), then when he listened to my request of helping in these new areas, he just simply wasn’t doing it right.


I think near the time I was finally coming to understand what I was feeling, he was getting frustrated with me so opening up and finally sharing was not only a huge relief for me, but I think a huge relief for him. We talked about solutions, but really the only solution was time. Having his support from the beginning would have been easier, but I just wasn’t sure how to tell him or where to start. Getting to know Mika made a big difference in feeling like a mother (the smiles especially helped), and having Joel remind me that I am important too and not simply a milk truck made a world of difference. I still sometimes have blue days, but generally speaking I am feeling much more like myself and really enjoy being a mom.


Anyways, I hope I haven’t offended anyone and I now finally am doing very well. I love being a mom and can not imagine my life without her or before her ~

Why it was removed

Some may have noticed I posted an entry titled "A little bit of honesty", but after sleeping on it, I removed the post.  It sounded like I was complaining and blaming others for my feelings when that was not the intent.  It explained my baby blues, which luckily have pasted for the most part.  I'm not quite up for writing about them yet, but hopefully someday soon I will be able to share.

For now, enjoy some pictures of our ever changing little peanut ~