Since I met J...

My life has been amazing, spontaneous, full of adventure and surprise, chaotic, and sometimes enough to drive me crazy!

2007: met J. He moved to Victoria
2008: J moved back to Winnipeg, we had our first apartment, and bought our first house. We ended the year in November by getting engaged!
2009: we married in Arizona and I got pregnant with peanut
2010: we welcomed peanut into our lives, J started working our of town, we got pregnant with bug
2011: we visited Arizona again, we welcomed bug into our lives, we sold our home
2012: we moved to a new home in a new community 


So what's in store this year? 
2013: we are travelling to Rome! J turns 30 this year and I surprised him with a trip. His parents are going us and although I don't want to wish the summer away, I am really looking forward to is trip.

Peanut also starts preschool in September which will change our routine as she goes twice a week in Steinbach. I'm really happy with the school and I think she'll love it.  I think it will be just as hard on bug.....

I love my life, through all our ups and downs, through everything we've done already and those adventures that will still come our way, I can happily say we've done it together.  

"Life is either a great adventure, or nothing" - Helen Keller 

She carries the whole world in her hands.....

I love a good girl chat. I have lots of friendships that I have developed or reignited this year and our talks and visits are awesome!  We generally talk light hearted, but every now and then family or personal issues enter the conversation.  although I can not relate to some of their issues, I know its not always up to me to solve their problems.  Sometimes just an ear will do.....

........But then night comes.

And I start replaying their problems, searching for solutions, advice, a great quote to inspire, or anything I can do to help.

Ok, so here's the issue.  I have my own stresses. My own problems. My own life dealings. I found especially this month that I'm internalizing a lot of issues.  I'm feeling their pressure like my own. But it's not.  I know its not in my logical mind, but my heart just breaks for them, and wants to help.

So, here's what I'm asking, how do you provide great support for friends without worrying and internalizing their problems? How do you separate their issues from your own? How do you stop feeling their pressure tangled into your own?

I need some peace but I still want to be a good friend, listener and someone they feel comfortable sharing with if and when they need, but at the same time I can't keep going in this direction of worrying about the whole world.  It's simply too much..... Help!

Giving

Well we have been fairly busy around here between J being gone for five-week and my parents and in-laws also away it's left me on my own.  I've babysat many days during this run for friends to help them out, I've had 2 very sick girls, celebrated a 3rd birthday, I've booked a surprise and I've explored a new chapter in our  life...... (Pre) school!

The surprise I planned is beyond exciting! It's for J's 30th birthday and I can't wait to spring this on him. Just not yet :) but I will say its for September when he has time off!!

April 1st peanut will be registered for preschool. I'm exploring a dance studio to take both girls to and I have bug in swimming with peanut on the wait list.  I may try to see if peanut can't get in then if I can make arrangements for care and take peanut another time.

Well I can't write much more now, but one day soon ill do a proper catch up. I'm just too tired tonight

Learning

So I don't have much to say really.  This month has been full of surprises, learning and working on staying positive.  I am learning more patience - both within a family situation but also with a 3 year old daughter.  I am learning how much influence I have over 2 little ones and am constantly trying to adjust my attitude to help not only myself, but them as well. 

I have been seeking spirituality lately which is something new for me.  I'm still not sure where I stand, but I do know I am waist deep trying to figure it all out.  I'm not sure what brought this one, and I'm not sure anything will come of it, but I do feel it is something I "need" to do.  Something inside me is stirring......

Within our community I have stepped up and stepped down with some commitments, and although I can feel some did not agree with my decision, I do feel I did what was right not only for me, but also for my family.  I cleared the air yesterday with one member, and I feel pretty good now.  As long as the situation doesn't stay awkward, then we're back to an enjoyable experience.

I'm happily completing little acts of kindness here and there.  This month we have made a hamper for Ronald McDonald House and delivered it (it included probably 30 items from their wish list), we made homemade soup and delivered it to a friend and her family, we sent a thank you gift to the nice local company who back bladed our driveway at no charge, we made cookies for a friend in exchange for cinnamon buns, we continue to sort clothing for Baby Blessings (a local charity that supports teen pregnancies), and we set up a birthday surprise for "daddy" while he was away.  These are the things I'm most proud of.  They remind me of a time when I first was dating J.  He was talking about a conversation with his father (when his father was sick) and how the only thing M wanted for J, was to "take care of people".  As J retold this story to me in detail, with tears in his eyes (and the only time I've ever seen him cry) I knew it was important to him.  So I am most proud because I know I am teaching this to the girls exactly the way he'd want me to and I'm helping fulfill his father's wish for our family.

Well I need to keep this short, so for now, I'll leave it at that. 

Whirlwind

Our life right now is a whirlwind..... of choice, of opportunities, and of decisions. 

But today's post is about something else.  What do you do when you like a mom, but not the influence her child has on yours? 

Now let me clarify - I think she's a great mom, and I enjoy her company, but whenever Peanut visits her, she comes home with a new attitude, one I don't appreciate.  I've noticed the little girl has this attitude, mostly towards her mom, but sometimes directly to Peanut and although I want to say something about how she addresses Peanut, I don't.  I feel some of the language she uses to Peanut is rude and needs to be corrected.  I think she has a really hard time sharing, and I don't think she plays very nicely. 

But the mom is in a tough situation.  She has a life similar to mine.  So, at what point do you cut off a friendship for the influence of your own child? I mean, Peanut will meet kids like this next year in preschool surely.  She might even end up as one (although I hope not!). Do I address it with her and risk offending her? (and truth be told, I'm sure I would)  Do I just correct Peanut after each visit?  Do I explain that although her mom may tolerate that behaviour, I absolutely do not.

Advice..... please!

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

This is a question I get asked all the time as a stay at home mom.  Okay maybe it's not worded quite like that, but the message is always the same.....

"So you don't work?"

"Don't you want your kids to interact with other kids?"

"I guess it was easier to choose to stay home because you didn't have a career before kids"

or my personal favourite..... "What do you do all day? I'd go crazy!"  Well on any given day I would agree that I am crazy, but not due to lack of things to do. 

So before you ask a SAHM why she chooses that option, please remember it is a choice.  One I made, but understand it is not for everyone.  One that although is right for me and my family, does not mean everyone could or should do it. 

We all make choices everyday.... what to eat, what time to wake up, to not use our turn signal in our vehicle, everything we do is a choice.  This is just another one that some make because to them it makes sense.  To them it feels right.  It doesn't make me less of a person or a better mom.  It just makes me.... well me. 

A little bit crazy ~updated~

I've been reading a lot lately, I've come across some interesting references.  The latest was in the book Fallout by Ellen Hopkins.  It is actually the third in a series, but I haven't read the first two.  It is written from the perspective of 3 children of the same meth addict although they live very different lives. (the first 2 in the series are written from the meth addicts perspective) One of the daughters talks about OCD, panic attacks and being "just a little bit crazy".  It got me thinking about myself and my own "little bit of crazy".

I've often eluded to my OCD, I've joked about my obsessions, mentioned my superstitions, but I'm not sure if I've ever really taken the time to let people understand although part of me is kidding, a larger part is not.

For as long as I can remember I've had little superstitions, but not what some might expect.  It's not the normal lucky rabbits foot, or saying "rabbit rabbit" on the first of the month to bring good luck all month. (Thanks D for that one, I still remember you telling me your dad did that every month when we were in grade 3) it's not avoiding the number 13, or not walking user ladders. (Although that does make me uncomfortable)

Mine center around objects.  Around random mundane things.  Logically I know luck isn't based on what hair elastic I use, or what pair of underwear I wear, but in my little bit of crazy mind, these things matter. 

It spreads like wild fire and enters other parts of my life.  I keep a cleaning schedule because it is an obsession I can't ignore.  Very rarely have I ever been able to turn this off, but having kids has helped it. I have had to let some things go, at least in the short term to still allow my kids to be kids, explore and play, but as soon as they are done with an activity, it is like something is not right in my world.  I need to clean it up.  I need to make it right again.

I noticed this most recently when my hubby J offered to help while we prepared to host Christmas dinner with family.  I knew I wasn't going to clean like crazy because in all reality I'd just need to do it again once everyone left, but still things needed to be freshened up. Joel laughed at me because what started with "I'm just going to clean the bathrooms" turned into a full out clean in some areas. But that's not what I noticed.  When I noticed my little bit of crazy start talking to me was when Joel offered to vacuum the downstairs.  It's something I can usually let Joel do, so I happily took him up on his offer.  Until I came downstairs.  I could feel the voice start talking.  I could tell my palms were getting sticky and I knew I had two choices. 

So how do you mess up vacuuming a room?  Well you don't really.  Except when I vacuum I use straight lines.  Our carpet it the type that the vacuum leaves marks, and I need those lines to be straight.  To be even.  To be present.  While J did vacuum his way, his way included random lines.  To him, as long as it was all done, who cared where he started and ended?! Except he forgot about the monster that lives inside of me.  I realized as I walked down the stairs and my immediate reaction was to re vacuum a just vacuumed floor that my crazy was talking too loudly.  It was time to take some time away, go back up stairs and not think about it.  Although it took EVERY piece of me not to redo something my hubby so sweetly did for me, it was hard. 

It is hard to put these feelings into words.  I've never had to before.  I'm not even sure if my own parents realize how I deal with these things on a daily basis.   J notices it and sometimes comments, but I try to let some feelings and urges simmer.  I have it easy from a lot of people, I don't wash my hands 17 times, but I do make sure the volume on the TV is on an even number (unless it is a, multiple of 5, then an exception is made, except for 5 itself).  I don't unlock and lock the doors over and over again, but I do wait for the garage door to close all the way before getting out of sight.  I don't count how many brush strokes I use daily to brush my hair, but I do keep track of certain clothing options that can not go together because of what might occur, underwear that I deem "bad luck", and sunglasses that have been thrown away because of the days outcome when I wore them.

It's funny because even though I know most people probably do not have these little habits in their life, I am finding it hard to recall them as I write.  I need to think really hard about the things I do because ultimately I do them because I feel that's the way it should be.

I don't really have an ending to this post, so I'll just leave it as here is a little insight into my life and hopefully you can better understand me as a person.