Finally Ready

Okay so after writing, rewriting and finally just deleting my last post, I decided to try again.



As a first time mom I received a lot of advice while pregnant. There were tons of moms in my life who offered their advice or told me about their experiences. Many were very helpful - topics ranged from cravings, to labour, to breastfeeding, but the one that caught me off guard was baby blues. With one exception I received no warning about the baby blues or how I would feel once the baby was here. I read tons of books during pregnancy but just like the c-section topic, I skipped the postpartum depression in almost every book. The one chapter I did read just seemed so extreme that there was no way I could possibly feel like that. But as soon as Mika was born, I was feeling part of what that book talked about.


Baby blues or postpartum depression is not shared as an experience and often judged by others. I felt (similar to breastfeeding) a lot of pressure to “be a good mom” and “know my baby”. But I didn’t know this little person. I knew she grew in me and my body created her (mind blowing to think about really) but that didn’t equal love to me. I often said when pregnant that I wasn’t sure if I fully understood that a little person was going to emerge from me - often I would hear “Oh Ash, just wait until the baby is here, you won’t even remember what your life was like before her.“ But I did. I remembered it well. I wanted it back. Everyone else who met Mika seemed to love her, but why didn’t I feel that way? Joel was completely taken back by his little girl, he couldn’t get enough of her and yet I sat there wondering if I just made a huge mistake. (a little late to wonder, I know) I would hear what a natural mother I was, and I would feel resentment. I felt more like a failure - I was supposed to love this little person with all my heart, and I just didn’t feel like that.


Now in the chapters I did read, a lot of postpartum topics centered around feelings of wanting to hurt your child (this was never the case) or hurt yourself. (again I never felt like that) It was more of a feeling of being lost. I was lost as a person in this adjustment period and I needed to learn how to go from a wife, to a mother while still taking care of myself as a woman. Furthermore, I needed to learn how to cope with changing from a couple to a family.


When the nurse came to visit us to see how we were managing now “as a family”, I put on a good front and made it seem like everything was fine. Similarly to the books, postpartum topics she discussed focused on thoughts of suicide or wanting to hurt the baby. She provided numbers for mobile crisis units and help line numbers. Since done of these applied to me and my feelings, I easily jumped to the conclusion that I didn’t suffer from baby blues. I suffered silently with these feelings and thinking no one understood for almost 2 months.
It was only once I leaned on a few mothers that I trusted to be completely free from judgement that I realized what I was going through was completely normal. Many of them had the same feelings after giving birth. It is hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way, but when you are pregnant every topic centers around you. They care about how you are feeling, they open doors for you, generally speaking, people are very nice to pregnant women. But once that little person emerges, the focus is redirected. Everything becomes about the baby and you, as a person, are forgotten about - or that is how it feels. Even when someone does ask, “And how are you doing?”, it never really seems appropriate to answer that question in full honesty, so “I’m doing really good” became my standard response.

I watched a news story during this time where a mother of a one year old took off with her online boyfriend leaving behind her husband with her daughter.  She did not leave a note about her choice in leaving, simply took off.  Her husband, extremely worried about her whereabouts filed a missing persons report.  After several days of looking for her, the police found her unharmed with this new gentleman in her life.  The news showcased her as a terrible person and mother, saying she should have cared enough to leave a note behind.  She explained that she felt like no one would miss her if she left, and this new boyfriend loved her, and that she knew her daughter would be safe with her dad.  I understood this woman, I related to her.  Although I never felt like leaving, I understood how she could feel that way.  It was simply an extreme case of what I was feeling.


Once I finally understood my feelings, I was able to share them with Joel. That was a huge deal for me, and probably for him as well. I was moody and irrational up to that point. Nothing Joel did was good enough for me - at first it was that he was not helping (I’m not exactly sure how I expected him to help me breastfeed, but I know I wanted his help) then when he did help, it was not in areas I wanted help so I would complain at him (not to him - AT him), then when he listened to my request of helping in these new areas, he just simply wasn’t doing it right.


I think near the time I was finally coming to understand what I was feeling, he was getting frustrated with me so opening up and finally sharing was not only a huge relief for me, but I think a huge relief for him. We talked about solutions, but really the only solution was time. Having his support from the beginning would have been easier, but I just wasn’t sure how to tell him or where to start. Getting to know Mika made a big difference in feeling like a mother (the smiles especially helped), and having Joel remind me that I am important too and not simply a milk truck made a world of difference. I still sometimes have blue days, but generally speaking I am feeling much more like myself and really enjoy being a mom.


Anyways, I hope I haven’t offended anyone and I now finally am doing very well. I love being a mom and can not imagine my life without her or before her ~