Camping Pictures

Camping was great although Tulabi Falls is a little far. Mika did amazing, and we had a great time. Here are some pictures from the trip. Enjoy ~

on the hike to the falls, you can see them behind me

daddy and I sitting by the fire

lounging on the chair

opening father's day presents

(Short) Update!

I don't have time for a long post, but to update you this is what we have been up to:

• We have spent every weekend at Lilac helping my parents build their new addition which is almost done (sort of)
• We took Mika swimming for the first time on  Sunday
• We are going on our first family camping trip this weekend to Nopiming where there is no electricity or water - outhouses and a baby, we will see....... at least the puppy is staying behind with my parents!
• Mika is "talking" a lot more, smiling all the time, loves songs and funny faces, snorts when she laughs, loves to stand and pull herself up and is learning her hands
• We have a doc appointment tomorrow
• I went for a 2 hour walk yesterday - up Fermor, down St. Anne's, up Bishop, down Lakwood and home - it felt great!
• We have planned a second camping trip with Chris, Sarah and Ryan in July
• I will spend my first 2 nights away from Joel next weekend as he is camping for Chris's stag - I honestly do not think we have spent a night apart since he moved home. (small exceptions - he was working long hours at hydro and the night of Martin's heart attack)
• I have "joined" a drop in stroller walking group on Tuesdays and Thursday.  My first one will be this week
• Overall life is good, Enjoy ~

Swimming with Daddy

Tummy Time - the only way I will let mommy do it is on my change table

More swimming!

Finally Ready

Okay so after writing, rewriting and finally just deleting my last post, I decided to try again.



As a first time mom I received a lot of advice while pregnant. There were tons of moms in my life who offered their advice or told me about their experiences. Many were very helpful - topics ranged from cravings, to labour, to breastfeeding, but the one that caught me off guard was baby blues. With one exception I received no warning about the baby blues or how I would feel once the baby was here. I read tons of books during pregnancy but just like the c-section topic, I skipped the postpartum depression in almost every book. The one chapter I did read just seemed so extreme that there was no way I could possibly feel like that. But as soon as Mika was born, I was feeling part of what that book talked about.


Baby blues or postpartum depression is not shared as an experience and often judged by others. I felt (similar to breastfeeding) a lot of pressure to “be a good mom” and “know my baby”. But I didn’t know this little person. I knew she grew in me and my body created her (mind blowing to think about really) but that didn’t equal love to me. I often said when pregnant that I wasn’t sure if I fully understood that a little person was going to emerge from me - often I would hear “Oh Ash, just wait until the baby is here, you won’t even remember what your life was like before her.“ But I did. I remembered it well. I wanted it back. Everyone else who met Mika seemed to love her, but why didn’t I feel that way? Joel was completely taken back by his little girl, he couldn’t get enough of her and yet I sat there wondering if I just made a huge mistake. (a little late to wonder, I know) I would hear what a natural mother I was, and I would feel resentment. I felt more like a failure - I was supposed to love this little person with all my heart, and I just didn’t feel like that.


Now in the chapters I did read, a lot of postpartum topics centered around feelings of wanting to hurt your child (this was never the case) or hurt yourself. (again I never felt like that) It was more of a feeling of being lost. I was lost as a person in this adjustment period and I needed to learn how to go from a wife, to a mother while still taking care of myself as a woman. Furthermore, I needed to learn how to cope with changing from a couple to a family.


When the nurse came to visit us to see how we were managing now “as a family”, I put on a good front and made it seem like everything was fine. Similarly to the books, postpartum topics she discussed focused on thoughts of suicide or wanting to hurt the baby. She provided numbers for mobile crisis units and help line numbers. Since done of these applied to me and my feelings, I easily jumped to the conclusion that I didn’t suffer from baby blues. I suffered silently with these feelings and thinking no one understood for almost 2 months.
It was only once I leaned on a few mothers that I trusted to be completely free from judgement that I realized what I was going through was completely normal. Many of them had the same feelings after giving birth. It is hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way, but when you are pregnant every topic centers around you. They care about how you are feeling, they open doors for you, generally speaking, people are very nice to pregnant women. But once that little person emerges, the focus is redirected. Everything becomes about the baby and you, as a person, are forgotten about - or that is how it feels. Even when someone does ask, “And how are you doing?”, it never really seems appropriate to answer that question in full honesty, so “I’m doing really good” became my standard response.

I watched a news story during this time where a mother of a one year old took off with her online boyfriend leaving behind her husband with her daughter.  She did not leave a note about her choice in leaving, simply took off.  Her husband, extremely worried about her whereabouts filed a missing persons report.  After several days of looking for her, the police found her unharmed with this new gentleman in her life.  The news showcased her as a terrible person and mother, saying she should have cared enough to leave a note behind.  She explained that she felt like no one would miss her if she left, and this new boyfriend loved her, and that she knew her daughter would be safe with her dad.  I understood this woman, I related to her.  Although I never felt like leaving, I understood how she could feel that way.  It was simply an extreme case of what I was feeling.


Once I finally understood my feelings, I was able to share them with Joel. That was a huge deal for me, and probably for him as well. I was moody and irrational up to that point. Nothing Joel did was good enough for me - at first it was that he was not helping (I’m not exactly sure how I expected him to help me breastfeed, but I know I wanted his help) then when he did help, it was not in areas I wanted help so I would complain at him (not to him - AT him), then when he listened to my request of helping in these new areas, he just simply wasn’t doing it right.


I think near the time I was finally coming to understand what I was feeling, he was getting frustrated with me so opening up and finally sharing was not only a huge relief for me, but I think a huge relief for him. We talked about solutions, but really the only solution was time. Having his support from the beginning would have been easier, but I just wasn’t sure how to tell him or where to start. Getting to know Mika made a big difference in feeling like a mother (the smiles especially helped), and having Joel remind me that I am important too and not simply a milk truck made a world of difference. I still sometimes have blue days, but generally speaking I am feeling much more like myself and really enjoy being a mom.


Anyways, I hope I haven’t offended anyone and I now finally am doing very well. I love being a mom and can not imagine my life without her or before her ~

Why it was removed

Some may have noticed I posted an entry titled "A little bit of honesty", but after sleeping on it, I removed the post.  It sounded like I was complaining and blaming others for my feelings when that was not the intent.  It explained my baby blues, which luckily have pasted for the most part.  I'm not quite up for writing about them yet, but hopefully someday soon I will be able to share.

For now, enjoy some pictures of our ever changing little peanut ~

Back on Track

Pre-pregnancy I had worked really hard to get my body into shape. Joel and I were planning on having kids shortly after our wedding in February so I knew my body would need to be prepared.  I joined a golf league with my mother in law and was going to the gym 5 times a week in the mornings.  I even biked to and from work a few times which was 25km.  I was starting to feel better about myself. (I didn't like the way I looked in our wedding video, but when you have 3 days to plan your wedding, losing that much weight isn't going to happen)

Then the first trimester hit me! I remember the feeling so well even though it was almost a year ago - how tired and drained I was.  I had no energy to wake up in the morning never mind hit the gym.  Joel cooked almost every night, and the nights I did manage to make meals, they consisted of simple unhealthy meals.  Many rainy Monday mornings I remember being thankful for as I knew golf would be cancelled.  When we did go to golf, I remember telling my mother in law about going to see a naturopathic doctor as "things just didn't feel right - I shouldn't be this tired".  When the pregnancy test came back positive and all was understood, I thought I could try to push myself to stay in shape.  Well, that goal died and my appetite increased and before I knew it I was at my heaviest I hope to ever be!

Today I started what I hope will put me back on track.  I joined the YMCA.  I have committed to going with my friend Mel 2 days a week and by myself 2 mornings a week.  By myself, I will be attending 2 aqua classes.  One in deep water and one in shallow.  With Mel, we will use the cardio and weight equipment.  My father in law also arranged to get me the Sketchers Shape Ups from the states to save me a little money. (they are $150 here! ouch!)  He will pick them up while he is down there this weekend, and I will wear them when I go for my walks with Mika.  I feel better already taking the first step to finally feeling better about myself!  Having a little one makes it easy to put yourself aside and focus on their needs, but a happy healthy mom will make for a happy healthy baby so I know I need to do this for both of us.

Anyways, a post wouldn't be a post with a few new pictures!  Enjoy ~

Pictures are worth 1000 words.....

I have nothing exciting to write about, so I will let the pictures do the talking!
Enjoy ~

6 weeks old

Update

Life is falling into a routine. Mika has been an amazing addition to our lives. She is a pleasure to take out as for the most part she quietly watches the world pass her by or sleeps. One exception was our recent trip to babies r us, but after a quick feed in the parenting room, we were back out and shopping again. She is awake a lot more now, and has developed fairly strict sleeping and eating patterns.  There are always exceptions, but for the most part we can not complain.


Joel and I made our first trip out to Lilac where he helped my dad clean up the site from the fall. Joel and dad had taken apart the deck, but left the wood scattered throughout the site. They used some shelving and stacked it in the corner of the site for now. They still have a lot of work ahead of them, but it will all slowly come together. They were out again this past Sunday moving the trailer from out of the swampy bush.


This past weekend was filled with family time. My sister in law was in town for spring break and spent a couple of days with Mika and I. She even came with me to a doctor’s appointment. The appointment turned out to be a waste of time since it wasn’t with my normal doctor and the fill in was, well less than helpful. It was still nice to have the company though. As always, Sarah and I spent hours talking about everything and anything.


Friday Joel and I drove north to look at some property however nothing caught our eye, but the drive together was enjoyable. Friday night we had the Hayward Easter dinner at Martin and Barb’s condo. Joel’s grandparents joined and were happy to hold little Mika. Actually I do not think she was put down the entire dinner. That night at about 3am, Joel took over for me on baby duty so I could get some sleep. He stayed with her until the early morning, only waking me for feedings. It was a nice break for me.


Saturday we had Easter dinner with my parents and grandma. It was almost the exact same meal, but we enjoyed it. Mika has already been spoiled for Easter receiving books, clothes, stuffed animals, bibs, socks, etc.


Joel also worked on our back entrance this past weekend and installed the lino we had bought months ago. It is so much easier to clean and I am enjoying it! (even though it is temporary)


Yesterday Mika and I made our first trip to Steinbach to visit Sarah and Ryan. It was a good afternoon, although Mika slept most of the time. Ryan sure is an active little boy now! In the evening we headed over to Kevin and Mel’s for a visit. Mika was awake for part of the visit, and stayed up late last night.


Anyways, that is all for now! Enjoy ~