Delayed!

I don't start work until Tuesday - yay! I know it is only one day, but it is a bonus day to spend with Meeks. 

I had a wonderful evening out last night with Joel. He planned the whole night as a Christmas gift. (long story, but he did well in the end) He took me to Inferno's Bistro.  We have been there once before without a reservation, so we were unable to have the full experience. (our table had a reservation coming in only an hour so they warned us we might be rushed)  It is a great restaurant with lots to choose from ranging from pastas, to bison and elk, to sandwiches and more. We started with frogs legs and duck spring rolls (the frog legs were ok, kind of like chicken thighs, and the spring rolls were delicious!), followed by baked french onion soup, followed by our entrees.  Joel has bacon wrapped bison which I tasted and immediately regretted not getting.  I had a NY strip with scallops.  I know, I know, what a boring choice at such a restaurant!  It was the last special and it threw me off.  I really wanted the elk, but for some reason that's just not what I ordered.  After dinner we headed to Rumor's Comedy Club.  Joel has never been, and I used to go every year for my birthday.  I laughed so hard and remembered exactly why I loved going.

The new room has been started....... oh my how I hate renovations!  I just wanted our front and back finished first, but I guess that will have to wait. Luckily with Meek's new room it is only a matter of painting, we decided not to change any of the baseboards/framing this time.  This makes the whole pregnancy a lot more "real" for me, and as the room progresses, I know it will even more. My goal is to have Meeks in her new room for her birthday, but we will see.  I have recruited my mother in law to help me (she is going to regret it I'm sure) make Meek's new bedding.  I bought a crib sheet so I just wanted a comforter.  More for when she is a toddler since right now I only use sleep sacks.  I also plan to make the wall art and will probably do that with Joel next time he is home. (it is a 2 person job!)  

In other good news ~ I found my double stroller!  I have been debating for a long time about what I wanted in a stroller and I finally found one that meets my needs!  It is WAY too expensive, but it will make my life easier, and therefore I can justify the cost.  I tried out the Graco Duo Glider, but I just wasn't happy with it.  There are some other neat tandem strollers out there, but I am so short that I feel overwhelmed with the size of them. (I know there are not much longer than the stroller I have now, but I just feel that way)  So I finally found a side by side that fits my car seat and is only 5 inches wider than my stroller!  It will fit through doorways and I shouldn't have a problem steering it - especially since it has fully rotating tires in the front.  Anyways, we will not buy it for another month or so, but I am excited that I finally found one.

Still can not find a crib I like (that is not insanely expensive), but one will come up. I just have my eyes out and will keep looking online too.

I am feeling some what unprepared for this birth, which may sound weird since I just went through it 10 months ago.  I can't really explain it any better than that..... maybe once I start working again I might feel a bit more like....well myself I guess. 

Anyways, off to cuddle with my monkey! Enjoy ~

hi ho, hi ho......

So my last post got more comments than I was expecting - people calling me, facebooking me private messages, etc. I really appreciate the support and kind words.  I loved hearing that this happened to them (Thanks Mrs. M), that they wanted this experience to be positive for me (Thanks Mrs. T) and that overall they were happy for me/us (Thanks mom).  Anyways, I am still feeling like some family and friends are more excited for us than others, and I am still hearing some negativity swirl, but just know that I am just as excited for Bug's arrival as I was for Mika's. 

But now the real reason for the post - I am going back to work in one week!  I can't believe 10 months has flown by and that in one week I will have just finished my very first shift back.  My position has changed, and many of my coworkers have as well.  I have been in the office for training this month, and although there are many changes, there are many things that will be the same.  I am looking forward to focusing a little more on things outside my house and enjoying the time I do have with Mika when we are home together. (not that I don't enjoy it now, but you have to be positive about this kind of thing)  My mom will be watching Meeks for the 5 months that I am back which could not be a better situation. (at least for us.........) We are really lucky to have one set of grandparents that is retired and is interested enough to volunteer to do this for us.  I have searched high and low for daycare and nothing has worked out.  I still have my eyes open, and am thinking about a nanny 2 days a week to give my mom a break, but we will see what happens with Joel.

Joel is back to Bissett next Wednesday and will be gone for 2 weeks confirmed.  He believes it will likely be 3 weeks, but we will cross that bridge when it comes.  He will then be home for at least a week.  I did really well while Joel was away and even hosted 2 dinners at my house.  Okay so one was delivery, but I still get credit for having the house "company ready".  I have a new respect for single moms, but overall I think I managed very well.

Mika's first Christmas was more exciting for me than for her, but as a family we really enjoyed ourselves.  I bought everyone some really good gifts this year.  Joel got (among other things) a CAT dump truck, boot warmers, side cutters, the game Risk, and Mario Kart for Wii.  My parents were surprised by their gift and although Barb's was fairly low key in terms of excitement, I had fun picking out Martin's. Walnut even saw a gift or 2 from Auntie Ash and Uncle Joel this year. Mika was beyond spoiled and plays with about 1/4 of her presents.  But I am rotating her toys so she won't see the others for another 2 weeks. I did bring a few over to my moms as well since she will have her 5 days a week I thought it only fair to at least supply some toys that she can return once Meeks is home.

Today we did some much needed shopping for household things - 2 shelving units for Mika's toy room, primer for her new room, the fabric for her new bedspread, new outdoor lights, and some odds and ends.  The only place that was really busy was Walmart, but that's really to be expected.

Anyways, here are a few of my favourite pictures ~ Enjoy!

Mika with her new Black and Decker tool set from GG. Daddy made her wear the safety glasses

My little present!



My 3 monkeys opening gifts together

 

Daddy sharing his CAT dump truck with Meeks

Meeks watching her new train from nana and papa

Meeks preparing for Bug's arrival with a book from Grams and Grumpa

Just saying......

Ok, here is my rant for the week.  It is long overdue as many of these things have been going on for awhile, but today is the day! It is about various comments I have gotten since announcing my pregnancy, which is also why I don't often talk about it..... well, enjoy ~

• Bug was planned.  Just because we always wanted our kids close and you happened to have waited a couple/few years, doesn't mean it our choice was a mistake.
• Thank you for the math lesson, but I have figured out Meeks and Bug will be 15 months apart. I know that is close to some, but it is perfect for our family which is really all that matters.
• I am not crazy and if I hear that one more time, I think I might just go crazy on someone.
• I do get mat leave, I am returning to work early, but even if I didn't, I would still get mat leave.  I called Service Canada myself, so yes I am sure.
• Yes I will be busy, I am now too.
• Yes I look pregnant, you have a kid and stretch everything out and then get pregnant again right away. Your body doesn't hide it well, add to that I am 5 feet tall with a short torso and where do you expect the baby to go.  I have been measured and weighted by the doctor (and continue to every 3 weeks) and there are no concerns.  But thank you for yours.
• We are not finding out the gender.

Well that's some of the comments that drive me crazy. But I hope you have a good day ~

Missing him

Joel was hired back shortly after he quit but was transferred to a new job site.  Unfortunately that new site is in Bissett, MB.  Which means he lives in camp, eats 3 meals a day, has a private room, shared showers, and no computer. Luckily he has cell service, so we text throughout the day, and talk every night. (with the exception of tonight as Joel was very sick and needed to go to bed before I could get Meeks ready) Joel is working 12 hours a day (6am - 6pm) however there have been a few hours spent in the work shack due to how cold it is up there.  Joel is making good money for being away from his family and although I am managing just fine, to him I know it is not worth being away.  He misses his little girl, and tells me throughout the day and on the phone. He was able to hear her say "dada" the other day (she started saying it the day he left) which I think only added to how much he wants to be home.  They aren't exactly sure when they are returning but sometime between the 19th and 23rd.  Luckily it is only a 2.5 hour drive, so he will work his shift then come home assuming the weather is okay. I use to wondered when I was pregnant when Joel would realize this baby was coming as he seemed so disinterested and distant from my belly, but the minute she arrived he couldn't take his eyes off her. He is such a great dad and husband, I just can't imagine life without him. I am looking forward to our Christmas holidays together and am glad we have only committed to 2 days of family events. 


As for bug, everything is going well.  I am feeling great and looking forward to an upcoming ultrasound.  We have requested it be at HSC. Heartbeat has been strong the last 4 weeks ranging from 130 - 135 bpm. I made Bug (my mom helped me because I am not super crafty, which means that she pretty much did it) a shirt today. It is actually a maternity shirt for me, but has little multicolored footprints going up it. I tried to print "You have already left footprint on my heart, and will forever more." but we couldn't get the printer to print it mirrored.


I had to work today, only for a few hours, but it was awful.  I didn't want to go, and seriously considered calling in. But come January I will have to return if I like it or not, so it was okay to be back in the office.  I was fairly new to MTEC when I went on maternity leave (I worked there just over a year), so returning for such a short period is hard as I am kind of "out of the loop".  There are 4 new staff members (out of 10!) who I have only recently met, and the other girls are fairly new to me too as I worked upstairs and will now be working with them downstairs.


I am having the families (mine and Joel's) over for dinner Wednesday. A great excuse to play with Meeks and enjoy some adult conversation.  Plus Martin has a story I am dying to hear!


Everything else is good, just missing my hubby like crazy.  And what's a post without a picture or 2?!

First Santa Visit

Even though it is a yucky old belt of Joel's, their faces are priceless!

Today we remember

Today we remember Ward Putnam - Joel's grandpa.  Although I did not know Ward long, I was always left laughing at his quick and witty comments, his "advice" to Joel about marriage, or even better his advice to Mika about getting your parents to do what you want.  I know this house will always remember "what else can I do to help honey?" after everthing is done, and Mika has listened well to calling for mommy in the middle of the night instead of dad.  Ward had great stories about his proposal to Jean (his wife of 66 years), the war, golf, curling, his career, Charleswood, his dog Caesar, Jean going into labour (we can't quite go to the hospital yet Jean) and raising his 3 girls. Ward you will be missed.

Sisters

I remember the very end of my wedding ceremony clearly.  I looked right at my maid of honor and new sister and in stereo we yelled "sisters!"

Today reminded me of how much I love having Sarah in my life, and wish she lived closer.  For those of you who have the privilege of knowing her, you know what a kind hearted, caring and thoughtful person she is.  I find myself completely open and honest with Sarah and she is an amazing listener.  She often has wonderful insight (maybe that goes back to her education) that brings me back to reality about any situation.  She has a perspective that I respect immensely. 

I have vented to Sarah about everything from getting a house, to switching jobs, to being pregnant, to breastfeeding, to sleep issues with Mika and everything in between.  It always surprises me how even where Sarah may not have had personal experience (yet), she was able to offer real solutions that didn't make me feel like a bad mom, or a selfish wife, or just a bad person.  She has no judgement and such empathy.

Today after a visit with her, I am reminded how much I love her and being apart of the Hayward Family.  I am quick to express my worries sometimes, whether it be about the lack of daycare, the sleep issues, going back to work, having another baby coming so close together, or Joel quitting his job, that I thought it was time for a positive post.  Besides being extremely grateful for the family Joel and I have created (and that he supports), I have been lucky enough to marry into one that has "taken me".  I won't go into a ton of examples, but I feel completely accepted and loved by them. They are quick to help out in (renovations, watching Mika, mopping my floor!) and offer support in any form they can. 

Obviously I am just as thankful for my mom and dad, but I will save that post for another day......

Stress Management

Today Joel quit his job.  I am not sure things will work out, but need to trust they will.  With an almost 9 month old and one on the way, things must work out. But for now, I will sit and stress while thinking of all the worst case scenarios......

It's True

It's true, I am expecting another baby in June! Although I do not have a feeling as to it being a boy or girl, I will say when we announced to our parents I was sure it was another girl.  We were going to order the onsie, but I couldn't wait to tell them, so here is how it was done....

Front

Back

We dressed Mika in this, then went over to each of our parents.  When we got there, we asked the grandma's to change Mika.  Joel was more casual with his mom, saying she was hot so she needed to remove the shirt that was covering this up.  My mom didn't even notice, so I had to pull off Mika's cover shirt.  Both of their faces were priceless ~ Barb actualyl laughed saying "Where did you get this shirt? It looks homemade!" LOL

Blue or Pink?

It could be pink,
It could be blue,
someone's expecting
Can you guess who?

Ms. Caty

Here are a few newer pictures of Meeks.  She is crawling everywhere, pulling herself to standing on anything she can get her hands on, and standing unassisted when distracted with a toy.  She has her bottom teeth (barely) and loves spending time with her family.  Especially if it involves swimming - she is a water baby without a doubt!  She now hates anything that holds her down or in one place (like her exersaucer or swing).  She is a busy little girl who is very curious especially when it is something mom says no to. ;) Come January when I return to work, she will be cared for by my mom, and a nanny if we can find someone we like.  I would love daycare, but right now, it just looks like that may not work out.  It's okay, it's only temporary anyways........ :)

Getting it out there

I have taken some time off.  Some time for myself.  Some time for thinking and reflecting.  About life.  About changes.  About negativity.  About being the example I want for Mika and any future children.  About being happy with what I have.  About facebook.  About "friends" on facebook.  And I have a few conclusions.....

• It is easy to judge when you are not in someone's shoes.  I remember when my friend Sarah was at home with her little guy (born one year before Mika) and planning her wedding social.  This would have been around this time last year.  I remember talking to mutual friends and they wondered "what she did all day".  I remember thinking the same thing - what would you do ALL DAY when you have a baby.  You must have tons of time to do everything you need to around your house, in your life, etc.  WRONG! I am the first to admit I was totally wrong and I owe a huge apology to Sarah.  Taking care of Mika is a full time job.  Sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes easy peasy.  Not one I would change in any way mind you, but a full time job none the less.  As some of you know I still work part time for MTEC working on their website and monthly newsletter.  This is about an hour a week commitment for website changes/updates and about 4 hours for the newsletter as it also has to be posted to the website and it goes through a lot of proofing.  Now I do get paid for this and claim those earnings to EI.  But I am finding this more and more difficult to get it done.  It often waits until Joel is home so I can have some uninterrupted time, or when I am visiting my mom.  I spend my day entertaining my little girl.  And when she is happily playing on the floor by herself, I am making dinner, or folding laundry, or making sure she doesn't get into something she isn't supposed to. I am not complaining about this, but I am remembering how I felt even a year ago. How easy it was to judge when really I had absolutely no idea how it felt or what it was like, I just THOUGHT I did.
• You can appreciate something with your full heart without fully enjoying every minute.  I love being a mom. I was lucky finding a husband who also wanted a family right away, and we were lucky in having our little girl quickly.  Now is teething fun, no. Is having her spit food in your face/on your clothes when you are wearing a special outfit on your way out enjoyable? no.  But I wouldn't change anything about Mika.  She has a personality all on her own, and I love her.  But is this sometimes frustrating - yes.  I think this kind of goes back to not being in my shoes to judge too.
• Complaining: I often will explain Mika's sleep, or lack there of to people when they ask.  But my new comment when people ask (and everyone asks) is that even though it is tough now, I know that soon enough I will be looking back wishing I had these days again.  That she will be driving before I know it, and will be out until curfew, and I would give anything to be up with her all night again just to know she was safely at home. 
• Just because something happens quickly in your mind, doesn't mean it was unplanned. Time is what we want it to be.  Joel and I bought a house after 3 months of living together.  We were engaged 3 months after that, and 3 months later married. To some we rushed, to some we are "crazy", but to us, we just did what felt right.  We will leave it at that for now, but I don't appreciate hearing "wow, that must have been an oops!". 

Anyways, these are just random thoughts for now. Just needed somewhere to vent them.  Now to refocus my energy on something more positive......

taking a break

Between house renos and a 7 month old baby, I need to take some time away for myself.  This means I am taking a break from blogging for a little bit to focus my energy elsewhere.  For now, enjoy ~

Short Update

Time for a short update...

• we have determined Joel has a gluten sensitivity, which means I am cooking one meal gluten free
• as I have said before, I feel much better when I eat vegetarian, so since I am already making a special meal, I figured why not make 2?!
• I sanded and painted out front window all by myself since it had been sitting 1/2 finished for much too long
• I managed to finally install the curtains my mother in law made for my laundry room, still need one more panel, but it is looking much better already (thanks mom for the help)
• Our back tile is installed, the front has been started but will now take over a week to finish as our tile guy is out of town
• Our garage is fully finished
• The front of the house has new stucco, the 3 sides should be done early next week, however I keep saying that......
• I attended a beautiful baby shower for my cousin ~ baby "Benard" (not actually his name) was very lucky, and the shower was very classy.  Gave me lots of ideas for the shower I am planning
• I have started, and pretty much finished planning my sister in laws shower for March. I will buy the rest of the items I need when we go to the states next month.  About 1/2 are already purchased.
• Mika has learned how to grab onto things and pull herself up.  She is not steady by any means, but she sure is trying. She is much better and faster at the crawling thing too.
• I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner as I have for the past few years, and like in previous years my inlaws are bringing the turkey (thank you!), everyone else is bringing something too, which makes this a stress free event in many ways.
• Joel and I went out with my parents for my mom's birthday to Beaujena's Restaurant.  If you have never been, seriously GO! It was amazing.  A husband and wife team with a surprise menu that is nothing but class. Tried things I never would have, but very delicious!

Think that is it for now, more to come later! Enjoy ~

new stucco, waiting for it to dry....

new garage, still wet

new back entrance tile, remember this is where the stairs were.....

what my house used to look like

what the garage used to look like

A baby on the way....

no, no, not mine!

My beautiful sister in law and her husband are expecting their first on April 10, 2011 and Joel and I couldn't be more excited to be Aunt and Uncle. Although Sarah isn't feeling great, her excitement shines through, and I know that baby can already feel how much he/she is loved. (for the record my prediction is a girl)

I am already an Aunt to 7 beautiful, and mostly grown up kids.  Samantha was my first niece and was born when I was in grade 3 (she just turned 19), and Brett is my youngest nephew who is now 11.  Since my brother's kids live in Calgary and my sister's kids live in California, I haven't spent much time getting to know them.  Luckily Joel was able to meet 3 of my sister's kids at our wedding where he fell into the role of uncle.  Now facebook keeps us connected.

Our family is buzzing with the excitement of a new baby on the way as we all can't wait to meet baby Boaz!

Life is good

Little peanut is trying hard to figure out this crawling thing....

We spent a weekend at Blue Lake, Meeks liked the mirror at Egli's

Nana feeding Meeks some yummy cereal!

Life is good ~

A little reminder

My dad owns an electrical company that he still does work out of.  In it's prime dad has a crew of guys, but now that my dad is 70 (and should retire but loves what he does), it is just him. He has a few maintenance contracts, one including the condo building he lives at.  2 nights ago they had a power surge and 70+ ballast needed to be changed.  Joel had an early Friday at work since it is the long weekend.  My dad called him not knowing he was off early and asked if Joel wanted to work Friday night since it was too much work for one man and without hesitation my husband agreed.

My family has always been very important to me, so when I started dating Joel it was a relief to know they already liked him.  (my parents knew Joel for years before I did) Today Joel is also helping my dad with a job before we head out to Blue Lake.  3 years ago I began dating Joel on September Long weekend. (sort of for those that actually know our story) Before we were married we celebrated this as our anniversary. For the first one I made Joel a book filled with quotes and pictures of our growing love. Last year I honestly can not remember what we did, but I was pregnant so I deserve a break. :) This year we are headed out to Blue Lake with my in laws to celebrate with Joel's aunt and uncle and friends of the family.

I am often reminded of how much I love Joel with little things he does for me or our family and this weekend was no exception. 

When two hearts are committed

To share Life's ebb and flow,
As days become a lifetime,
The Bond of Love will grow.

Step 2

scratch coat on, stucco likely in a few weeks....

before.....

a little dark, but after so far.....

Remember me?

I feel sick.  To think all those memories are gone for you.  To not recall anything from those days.  To not remember your childhood.  How do you know who you are without knowing where you have been?  How you got to where you are?  How you became who you are today?  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  Mostly for you, but some for me.  To think I have been erased.  I can't help but be flooded with memories, ones that you will never recall.  They are engraved in my mind, and yet empty to you.  So many. I feel sick.

http://www.steinbachonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=18527&Itemid=232

http://www.steinbachonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=18546&Itemid=232

This was Dan, the owner's son who was involved in the accident.  He was removed from the ventilator yesterday so things are looking up! Great progress Vin, you are doing great. For those who don't know I have been a seasonal at lilac for 20 years, worked there for 7 and was once apart of the family.

Life these days...

Life these days consists of what feels like a loosing battle of cleaning. Our house is under renovation - again and it is starting to get to me.  Not so much the renovation part, I can actually handle that quite well as I get excited for the end project.  It is the man behind the renovation that is driving me crazy... Joel!  Joel is used to working on a construction site where there is a clean up crew that comes in a takes care of the mess that the guys leave.  He forgets that at home that "clean up crew" is his wife and that his wife has enough cleaning without him making a silly mess.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind sweeping up the wood chips from where he drilled in our framing, or even the scattered tools all over my dining room table mess. This is not the part of cleaning that bothers me.  I am taking about little things like when he opens a package and then just drops the plastic packaging on the ground when I have left a garbage bag right beside him, or that when he has finished a drink and the can ends up on our lawn instead of in the garage in recycling. I must give him credit though, he is working so hard and has dreamed us into a different house.  His renovations start small, but after many hours of thinking, we end up with major changes to our house.  Removing stairs, changing where our back entrance is, adding floor, removing walls, adding doors, building shelves, new lights and that is just this project!  But all things considered I love the man I married and I love that he takes joy in improving our house. He really is amazing.

my old back door

my new door and a hole where the old was

my old dining room wall

my new dining room still under renovation

The next project.....my old house

stay tuned, new pictures coming shortly......

Another short update

• Possibly found a daycare starting in January 2011 thanks to my mother in law - 2 months before my mat leave is over but I have contacted work about coming back early
• Went camping at Rushing River in Ontario with our friends Chris & Sarah and their little guy Ryan - it was beautiful! We had a great time even with the 40+ minute detour, one small trip to the hospital, a flat air mattress, and a little rain.
• Mika is still not sleeping well - getting to bed is good, it is that she wakes at 2-4am for play time.....
• Mika sat in her high chair for the first time yesterday! So cute
• We have started the first of 2 planned major renovations - removing a wall, building another one, closing up our back door, cutting in a new door, re-stuccoing the house, and possibly tiling the entrances.
• The second reno is planned for late Sept/Oct (although Joel seems to think November) which will include drywalling a room that is currently wood panelling and brick, tiling the brick fireplace, drywalling the ceiling, adding new and more lights, replacing carpet with hardwood and possibly expanding a bathroom to prepare it for a later reno
• It was my sister and Jay's 2nd wedding anniversary yesterday - congrats guys and many more!
• This Saturday I am going to the cirque du soleil show Alegria with my mom. (it was my birthday present) We are getting pedicures first though! (happy mother's day momma)

tummy time

camping at Rushing River

high chair

I thought I was over this.....

Today I spent another morning driving around putting Mika to sleep. (I also had to do this last night and about 5 times in the last 2 weeks) This is week #2 of her sleep problem and I'm starting to loose it.  She was doing so well waking only twice a night to feed and straight back to bed.  All of a sudden like a switch she mixed up her days and nights.  She is taking longer naps during the day - the morning she will sleep from about 8:00am - 10:30am and then her afternoon one is 12ish - 2pm.  She is now up every hour, crying, so I put her back to sleep and like clock work no more than an hour can pass and she is awake again - ALL NIGHT!  Also she has decided the day starts at 4am.... I know the Haywards are early risers, but......   any suggestions? 

Camping Pictures

Camping was great although Tulabi Falls is a little far. Mika did amazing, and we had a great time. Here are some pictures from the trip. Enjoy ~

on the hike to the falls, you can see them behind me

daddy and I sitting by the fire

lounging on the chair

opening father's day presents

(Short) Update!

I don't have time for a long post, but to update you this is what we have been up to:

• We have spent every weekend at Lilac helping my parents build their new addition which is almost done (sort of)
• We took Mika swimming for the first time on  Sunday
• We are going on our first family camping trip this weekend to Nopiming where there is no electricity or water - outhouses and a baby, we will see....... at least the puppy is staying behind with my parents!
• Mika is "talking" a lot more, smiling all the time, loves songs and funny faces, snorts when she laughs, loves to stand and pull herself up and is learning her hands
• We have a doc appointment tomorrow
• I went for a 2 hour walk yesterday - up Fermor, down St. Anne's, up Bishop, down Lakwood and home - it felt great!
• We have planned a second camping trip with Chris, Sarah and Ryan in July
• I will spend my first 2 nights away from Joel next weekend as he is camping for Chris's stag - I honestly do not think we have spent a night apart since he moved home. (small exceptions - he was working long hours at hydro and the night of Martin's heart attack)
• I have "joined" a drop in stroller walking group on Tuesdays and Thursday.  My first one will be this week
• Overall life is good, Enjoy ~

Swimming with Daddy

Tummy Time - the only way I will let mommy do it is on my change table

More swimming!

Finally Ready

Okay so after writing, rewriting and finally just deleting my last post, I decided to try again.



As a first time mom I received a lot of advice while pregnant. There were tons of moms in my life who offered their advice or told me about their experiences. Many were very helpful - topics ranged from cravings, to labour, to breastfeeding, but the one that caught me off guard was baby blues. With one exception I received no warning about the baby blues or how I would feel once the baby was here. I read tons of books during pregnancy but just like the c-section topic, I skipped the postpartum depression in almost every book. The one chapter I did read just seemed so extreme that there was no way I could possibly feel like that. But as soon as Mika was born, I was feeling part of what that book talked about.


Baby blues or postpartum depression is not shared as an experience and often judged by others. I felt (similar to breastfeeding) a lot of pressure to “be a good mom” and “know my baby”. But I didn’t know this little person. I knew she grew in me and my body created her (mind blowing to think about really) but that didn’t equal love to me. I often said when pregnant that I wasn’t sure if I fully understood that a little person was going to emerge from me - often I would hear “Oh Ash, just wait until the baby is here, you won’t even remember what your life was like before her.“ But I did. I remembered it well. I wanted it back. Everyone else who met Mika seemed to love her, but why didn’t I feel that way? Joel was completely taken back by his little girl, he couldn’t get enough of her and yet I sat there wondering if I just made a huge mistake. (a little late to wonder, I know) I would hear what a natural mother I was, and I would feel resentment. I felt more like a failure - I was supposed to love this little person with all my heart, and I just didn’t feel like that.


Now in the chapters I did read, a lot of postpartum topics centered around feelings of wanting to hurt your child (this was never the case) or hurt yourself. (again I never felt like that) It was more of a feeling of being lost. I was lost as a person in this adjustment period and I needed to learn how to go from a wife, to a mother while still taking care of myself as a woman. Furthermore, I needed to learn how to cope with changing from a couple to a family.


When the nurse came to visit us to see how we were managing now “as a family”, I put on a good front and made it seem like everything was fine. Similarly to the books, postpartum topics she discussed focused on thoughts of suicide or wanting to hurt the baby. She provided numbers for mobile crisis units and help line numbers. Since done of these applied to me and my feelings, I easily jumped to the conclusion that I didn’t suffer from baby blues. I suffered silently with these feelings and thinking no one understood for almost 2 months.
It was only once I leaned on a few mothers that I trusted to be completely free from judgement that I realized what I was going through was completely normal. Many of them had the same feelings after giving birth. It is hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way, but when you are pregnant every topic centers around you. They care about how you are feeling, they open doors for you, generally speaking, people are very nice to pregnant women. But once that little person emerges, the focus is redirected. Everything becomes about the baby and you, as a person, are forgotten about - or that is how it feels. Even when someone does ask, “And how are you doing?”, it never really seems appropriate to answer that question in full honesty, so “I’m doing really good” became my standard response.

I watched a news story during this time where a mother of a one year old took off with her online boyfriend leaving behind her husband with her daughter.  She did not leave a note about her choice in leaving, simply took off.  Her husband, extremely worried about her whereabouts filed a missing persons report.  After several days of looking for her, the police found her unharmed with this new gentleman in her life.  The news showcased her as a terrible person and mother, saying she should have cared enough to leave a note behind.  She explained that she felt like no one would miss her if she left, and this new boyfriend loved her, and that she knew her daughter would be safe with her dad.  I understood this woman, I related to her.  Although I never felt like leaving, I understood how she could feel that way.  It was simply an extreme case of what I was feeling.


Once I finally understood my feelings, I was able to share them with Joel. That was a huge deal for me, and probably for him as well. I was moody and irrational up to that point. Nothing Joel did was good enough for me - at first it was that he was not helping (I’m not exactly sure how I expected him to help me breastfeed, but I know I wanted his help) then when he did help, it was not in areas I wanted help so I would complain at him (not to him - AT him), then when he listened to my request of helping in these new areas, he just simply wasn’t doing it right.


I think near the time I was finally coming to understand what I was feeling, he was getting frustrated with me so opening up and finally sharing was not only a huge relief for me, but I think a huge relief for him. We talked about solutions, but really the only solution was time. Having his support from the beginning would have been easier, but I just wasn’t sure how to tell him or where to start. Getting to know Mika made a big difference in feeling like a mother (the smiles especially helped), and having Joel remind me that I am important too and not simply a milk truck made a world of difference. I still sometimes have blue days, but generally speaking I am feeling much more like myself and really enjoy being a mom.


Anyways, I hope I haven’t offended anyone and I now finally am doing very well. I love being a mom and can not imagine my life without her or before her ~

Why it was removed

Some may have noticed I posted an entry titled "A little bit of honesty", but after sleeping on it, I removed the post.  It sounded like I was complaining and blaming others for my feelings when that was not the intent.  It explained my baby blues, which luckily have pasted for the most part.  I'm not quite up for writing about them yet, but hopefully someday soon I will be able to share.

For now, enjoy some pictures of our ever changing little peanut ~